i want a girlfriend to take cute pictures with. to lay up under the stars and just embrace everything around us with. someone to sleep with. steal random kisses from. i miss that.
25 days ago, i allowed myself to finally lay with someone new. that someone happened to be you. we both agreed this would be nothing more than our insomnia remedy, so you were my cuddle buddy. i was aware of the feelings, i wasn’t aware i’d end up feeling. i didn’t know if you’d be any different. but before the sun came up, i knew i’d be back the next day. we laid there and talked. i watched you smile with your friends as we all made jokes. you were genuine with everyone. we talked of the past and how it got us to the present. you did the one thing i needed you to do. despite the pain your ex put you through, not one time did you throw dirt on her name. shit happens. and that attitude took me years to gain, and it only took you months. i told you i was afraid of the dark. we laughed ..but you kept the tv on. you laid in my arms and buried your face in the crease between my arm and my breast. your left hand rubbed the bottom of my stomach and as usual i flinched. i told you it made me feel weird but you smirked and ignored me. you continued to do so until you were comfortable. slowing down each time until your hand ran across my stomach, around my waist and up my side. you adjusted your body with mine, then you held me. and within those same moments you fell asleep. and i laid there listening to you sleep. i woke up the next morning with your arms wrapped around me. it felt good to be held. it felt good to finally lay close to someone who didn’t want to have sex. everyday after that i’ve learned something that draws me closer to you. it’s scary. and sometimes you ask why i get so frustrated. or why my attitude is so quick. i’ve been through shit. and since my last relationship, i’ve honestly only felt second best. so i expect that now. i expect that within the next few months you’ll go back to her, or find another. i’ll be nothing more than what i have been. the one who’s just too sweet to be the one. the one who understands and is so caring but can never find a place to stay in their world. the one who is there just to make them smile until their girlfriend, ex, or newbie finds a way to do so again. i just know, it won’t be me. it’s never just me, but then again it’s always just, me. even back then, she had her in the end. so it’s nothing you’re doing besides making me feel again. you’re doing things i probably need to believe but it’s hard to believe. i like you. you mean something. i hate to be so negative but i think it’s reality. this will change soon.
I can’t picture someone thinking about me before they fall asleep, or telling their friends about me. I can’t picture anyone getting butterflies because I said hi to them, or even just smiled at them. I can’t picture someone smiling at the computer screen or their cell phones when we’re talking.
I mean like…Why would they even do that? I’m just me. Nothing extraordinary, or special.
Reblogged from yourinfectioussmile
she, tattoos love on her arm
as she wears her heart on her sleeve
not knowing her destiny,
yet loved, is what she,
destines to be.
crying out for her prince to see,
she is longing for his soul to flee,
so they can be as one
she has two mates,
while most, have none
killing her heart,
with greed she,
now sees, how hard love,
can truly be.
about a month ago, my dad left.
it’s been ..different? hard? it’s been a lot of things. his absence isn’t a good one. but i understand why he left. so i try to make sense of things by only seeing it his way. it’s for his good. he has his own apartment. he still calls everyday and asks about school. it made me cry when he said he wouldn’t miss graduation for anything. i know he’s been waiting to see one of his kids complete College all his life. and i’m so happy i could be the first. as i’m writing this, i’m crying. it’s just..whatever.
so last night we spoke. i was half sleep because it was late. but for some reason we had a deep convo that only lasted a few minutes. we talked about my mom & his relationship. and the things he’d say ..cut deep. because as much hurt as my mom has done to him, he loves her no less than the day he did when he first told her. he doesn’t show emotions good. but when we talk, no matter what i always understand. and he asked me if i understood. i said no.. because as much as i’ve loved and been loved, i’ve never known a love that didn’t cease. a love that didn’t fight against me. a love that, wasn’t breakable. and he told me i’ve never been in love. because although he left and they’re not good, he knows he’ll be back. just, not right now. and i always said i don’t want a love like my parents. but when i think about it, i do. i just want one less complicated with more communication. i feel for him, and his heart at this moment. because i know how hard it is to stay away from someone you want to hold so close. ( sighs ]* love. this, thing that once you’ve felt, you can’t rid. i hate that. but i love it. and one day, i want to view someone the way my dad does my mom. without fault, without regret, but mutual.
i missed my first class so i’m sitting on our back porch. a lot has been going good for me lately. mostly how i feel on the inside. but there’s things about my appearance i want to change. not something i’m exactly comfortable talking about but it’s been bothering me more and more.
i need to stop resorting to smoking. i mean, i need to stop period anyways. i will soon because the next few months of my life won’t allow it. graduation is soon and my boards test. i admit i’m kinda paranoid to take it but, i’m sure i’ll do well. i’ve been talking to a recruiter lately but, he’s calling more than i’m comfortable with so, idk. that scares me. i just want a recruiter who won’t pressure me to sign papers and shit. like i’m SURE this is what i want to do ..it’s been a dream of mine since i was little. but i don’t want to feel pressured. - shruggs.
March is coming quick. i’m excited. i’m anxious. i’m terrified. i’m everything all in one right now. the fact that i’m not completely happy with how i look is a main problem. i wish i could stand in the mirror naked and just, be happy.
i write too much. idk. i’ve always been like this. saying what i feel through words never spoken. it’s always felt okay until people started judging me or downing me for what i’d reveal. i just want to escape sometimes.
i’ve also had this.. desire(?) lately. to be in love. happy. to have a child. a home. and it just be us. despite the past and future. just, the moments we live in. caring for each one as if it’s the last. but, i’m far from any of that. and when i start feeling the need to love someone, i question if i’m happy with myself. because they always say when you’re happy with yourself someone will come. i am happy with myself most of the time. but maybe i’m just being impatient. or maybe it’s a bit of jealousy in it? because i’m always around happy couples who are just, genuinely happy to be in each others presence.. idk. a battle within itself i guess.
lovemoneyandweed-deactivated201 asked: i miss you. i thought about you a few days ago but i rarely get on tumblr anymore. hope all is well
crazy thing is, i looked for you on twitter recently but i guess you change your name. i miss you. everything is everything. send me your number or something.